Empathy vs Boundaries

As a foster parent, or parent in general it is often hard to decide where the line between having good boundaries begins and empathy ends. Often, kidos come to us having experienced horrendous abuse, much of which is unimaginable. However, for their sake it is important to teach them good boundaries, and that what they experienced is not an excuse not to be productive human beings.

Many foster parents will have children that cycle back to them several times. Such was the case with a group of girls that I had with me multiple times.  These were one of my first siblings groups, and I had thought that we were going to adopt them, so I was especially attached.

The last time they came to stay, they were both in their late teens and now had a very young sibling they were taking care of.  Both girls had experienced a lot in their life, and I emphasized with their experienced and the depression and anxiety that they were experiencing. However, it was important to get them moving in the right direction.

Both girls had brought pets with them, and the care of these pets was their responsibility. This was a boundary agreed to before the pets came.  However, it became very apparent that they were not living up to their end of the bargain. The little dog was going to the bathroom on the floor and the kitty litter was not being taken care of, creating a hazardous environment not to mention the damage to the house.

I understood that the ladies were dealing with depression, and that it was hard to motivate themselves, however, this was a boundary that for all our sakes could not be allowed to be crossed.

It can be very difficult to find the line where empathy ends and boundaries begin, but it is essential, especially in the early days of taking a placement that you set boundaries, and enforce those boundaries in the way you want to go forward.

Sometimes it is also essential to make sure that others around your kidos are also enforcing boundaries, and not letting their empathy for what the child has experienced stand in the way of helping them become a functional successful human.

If you have been fostering for a little bit, you know what I am talking about, your kidos experiences can become a crutch if expectations are lowered or changed in the name of empathy. They will quickly learn that they can use their experience as an excuse to not take responsibility for their actions.

Finding that balance between boundaries and empathy is essential for teaching your kids to have healthy relationships and personal well-being. It teaches these vital tools for creating that balance:

1. Self-awareness: Understand your own needs and limits. Reflect on what makes you feel comfortable and what doesn’t.
2. Clear communication: Express your boundaries clearly and respectfully. Use “I” statements to convey your feelings without blaming others.
3. Active listening: Show empathy by listening to others’ perspectives and validating their feelings. This helps build trust and mutual respect.
4. Consistency: Maintain your boundaries consistently. This reinforces their importance and helps others understand and respect them.
5. Flexibility: Be open to adjusting your boundaries when necessary. Empathy involves understanding that situations and people can change.

Balancing boundaries and empathy involves respecting both your own needs and the needs of your kido.

Teaching your kido to not use their experiences as an excuse involves fostering resilience, self-awareness, and accountability. Here are some strategies that might help:

1. Empathy and Understanding with Boundaries: Acknowledge their past experiences and validate their feelings. However, do not allow your kido to use their experience as an excuse. There is a fine line between being empathetic toward the mental health issues that come from previous abuse – including understanding difficulties like PTSD triggers, and helping your kido to move past these experiences.
2. Positive Reinforcement: Encourage and praise their efforts and achievements, no matter how small. This helps build their self-esteem and confidence. Sometimes in the early days, you will need to create opportunities for success. Building on those small successes overtime can go a long way to building your kidos resilience.
3. Role Models: Introduce them to stories of individuals who have overcome similar challenges. This can inspire them to see their potential beyond their past. However, be careful to show that you do not expect them to be perfect or get to the point of that role model overnight.
4. Skill Building: Teach coping skills and problem-solving techniques. Equip them with tools to handle difficult situations without resorting to excuses. Help them develop a coping skills tool box that they can draw from when needed.
5. Setting Expectations: Clearly communicate your expectations and the importance of personal responsibility. Help them understand that while their past may explain certain behaviors, it doesn’t excuse them.
6. Supportive Environment: Create a safe and supportive environment where they can express themselves and learn from their mistakes without fear of judgment.

Balancing empathy with accountability is key. 

To find more sources from RISE:

on the topic of boundaries – search for boundaries

on the topic of tips for foster parenting go to the SPARK community.

Additional References.

Boundaries | Psychology Today. (n.d.). Www.psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/boundaries

Campbell, L. (2016, May 17). Personal Boundaries: Types and How to Set Them. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some

The Importance of Setting Boundaries: 10 Benefits for You and Your Relationships | BetterHelp. (n.d.). www.betterhelp.com. Read more here.